Last night I popped a bottle of bubbly and sat on the couch for a new episode of Gossip Girl. FINALLY. And only one night after the Oscars! This has to be my best two-night stretch since the last time I was in Ibiza with Val Kilmer.

This episode had it all — an incestuous level of cross-couple canoodling, long-lost relatives, and tiny jackets made out of ecstasy. That’s right, Jenny was found helping the UES feel the love once again, with her little Belgian waffle Damian Daalgard at her side. This resulted in her stitching together a little piece of high fashion studded with “E”-paulets, if you will — pills of E sewn into the shoulders of her garment. It’s still unclear why exactly these two little rich kids are fighting boredom by putting themselves in danger & selling drugs but…oh, I guess that sentence just explained itself.

In the meantime, Chuck Bass has been on the prowl for a woman who left a locket at his father’s grave. Could it be the mother whose death he’s always felt responsible for? Could he relieve himself of the guilt he’s been carrying for 18 years? Or will he just discover she’s not his mother, and sleep with her?

Beyond all of this excitement, the real kicker of the episode was Nate & Serena’s inability not to make the beast with two backs the entire time. While they were outspoken in their interest to “take it slow,” I’m pretty sure their behavior caused a spike in the number of Google hits on “teen vasectomy clinics” last night. Or maybe parents use Bing.

Dan’s advice to Nate regarding slowing things down: “I dated Serena for a year, and if you want to be able to make things work, you’re going to have to be able to come up for air…which is really not her favorite thing to do.” Champagne ALL over my underpants. Yeah, I’d already taken my pants off way earlier in the episode. Serena was in rare form last night, and her sexual enthusiasm was bringing to mind another ecstatic wood-handler.

Inevitably, the show revolved around one big dinner that everyone would coincidentally be attending — in this case it was in honor of a French Ambassador. But who cares? Sex! Drugs! White bow ties! Last night can officially be deemed a return to form. Shockingly, Blair and Chuck still reign as the most functional couple on the show. Let’s see how this all plays out…

xoxo,
Gossip Boy